I feel like I have so much to write. My blog functions a lot like my brain; nothing and then rapid fire thoughts. Although I can control when to publish my posts unlike my thoughts. If only my brain was that controlled. Anyway, I digress.
The two big kids were in a sleep study. Everyone asks, “What’s wrong with their sleep.” The answer is nothing. We just happen to live semi-close to a university that does research. The gist was to spend the first seven days (which turned into 13) with the kids on a strict sleep schedule in which they woke up and went to bed at the same time. They also wore light meters. The last three days included college students coming into our home, covering all of our windows and lights with tarps and tape and not exposing the kids to light above 10 lux (nightlight level.) We had 5-7 college students in our house entertaining our children in the dark from 6:15AM – 10PM all three days. They also took saliva samples every 20- 30 minutes throughout the evenings. It was intense. More for me, less the kids.
I’m always shocked at how often my identity as a mother shifts. Like any identity, I often don’t “feel” it. Sure, I’m gay but I don’t think about it most days. Same with being a mom. Until I have a bunch of “young” college kids in my home. Oh, to be young and in college. After Noa was born my PP Anxiety made me want to go back to college.
Here’s the thing, the mom identity is a moving target. I’m really good at being a mom to a one year old. I have no idea what I’m doing as a mom to a (soon to be) five year old. Am I old enough to have a five year old? I’m pretty sure my vision of 31 included suits, a briefcase, an office, and probably some pumps. Fuck Cosmo magazine.
And yet, here I am. Navigating parenting three under five. Having a bunch of college kids in my home probably judging my parenting. Feeling my motherhood identity under a microscope. And I care. Why do I care? Who gives a shit what they think? Apparently I do. They see lots of kids. And lots of parenting.
They asked if they could come back and study Atticus again next year. And Cal in two years. Several offered to babysit. I’ll take that as a mom win.