Donor Obsession

One of the first questions anyone asks lesbian parents is about the donor.

“Do you know the donor?”

“Do they all have the same donor?”

“How did you pick a donor?”

“Will they meet the donor?”

I can’t speak for all lesbian moms but I can tell you that, to most, this drives us crazy. People are obsessed with the genes of our children.

For Betsy and I, we share very little about our donor to most people. For a long time, we didn’t even tell people whose eggs we used. Yes, I carried. But the gestational mom isn’t always the genetically related mom.

Picking a donor was a deeply personal and challenging decision. Do we use a known or anonymous? If known, how known? Someone we see often? Someone we know distantly? Or anonymous? Which sperm bank? What traits are important? So many questions to work through.

And the cost. It’s amazing how expensive those little swimmers (that often end up on a sheet) cost! How many vials do we buy? What if we run out after our first kid? Then our kids will have different donors. Does that matter? Do we ask our donor to go back and donate again?

We have a small inner circle of people that know the details of how we got our sperm. Although I’m somewhat open about sharing the information with other gay couples, especially those trying to conceive, I’m much less open with most others, including our immediate family.

Most days it doesn’t cross my mind that Betsy is not genetically related to our children. When you raise a child, any child, the genes become irrelevant. That is until a curious outsider quickly reminds you with an obtrusive question. ‘Remember how one of you isn’t related to your child? Let me ask you a bunch of questions about that?’ Hmmm, how about we don’t.

I get it. When it’s not a one plus one equation we want to know more. We’re curious humans. But your simple question doesn’t come with a simple answer. And it potentially invokes a myriad of feelings to the one you’re asking. These decisions don’t come easy. Next time, before you start your ‘Can I just ask you something, it’s fine if you don’t want to answer…’ question, perhaps you should go with, ‘You have a beautiful family’ instead.

A Rant From the Wife #2

“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in heath, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”

Where in here does it say anything about supporting your partners most recent crazy hobby?! Nowhere. And yet, here I am. Inspecting, haggling over, purchasing, storing, and painting furniture. You see, Jordann started a new hobby: blogging. Oh wait, that was her first new hobby. Then she started a new new hobby: furniture refinishing.

Two dressers, two coffee tables, four end tables (usefulness to be determined), one big ass dresser to be repurposed as something else to hold a lot of crap, one rocking chair, one “accent chair” (whatever the hell that is), two entryway tables, and one dining room table with four accompanying chairs. The furniture aisle at Target? NO!!! The contents of my garage/living room/basement. All to be refinished and/or painted. She even calls the right side of our garage “the shop”. AKA: storage unit.

I’m sorry. I’m failing to see where I signed up for this. Maybe it falls into the “for worse” category? Or maybe “in sickness.” I can tell you one thing, it’s about to fit into the “death do us part” line real quick. Look, the stuff she’s (we’ve) actually finished looks great. But the amount of furniture that keeps showing up far exceeds the amount of furniture being sold. It’s like our house has become the island of misfit furniture. But alas, what else is this woman going to do with all of free time?